No,
this title does not mean that I am getting married and worried about paying for
it. I am also not depressed about not getting married (at least not at this
time). It’s something different.
We
have been talking to a number of engaged people recently (seven couples between
the three of us), and we are happy for pretty much all of them, but it has been
a strong reminder of how stressful getting married can be. Actually, the other
night I dreamt of 70 people from out of town descending upon Oklahoma for the
wedding of a couple that is not yet engaged in waking life. So, weddings are on
the brain, but grounded in the details of reality rather than just a gauzy
vision sparkling with fairy dust. I am no fun.
I
was looking up something for one friend I had written up a few years back. It
came out of an email thread with a different friend. It was essentially
organizational, sorting out what she already had and what she could think
about. I’m not sure how helpful it will be for this couple. I am toying with
the idea of doing a better write-up that instead of starting with one couple
takes things from scratch.
The
one theme that would keep coming up is consciously choosing your priorities.
That has always been my thing – mindfulness in general is important to me – but
I was thinking about it more after a conversation with the mother of one of the
engaged.
In
this case, the bride’s family is in Utah, and the groom’s extended family is in
Utah, and so there was the question of whether to do something here, and the
answer seems to be no, the immediate family will just go to Utah.
There
was some concern about that, but as we were talking I told her that often
people don’t really even remember receptions. I hadn’t thought about it before,
but I realized it was true. Sometimes I can remember specific things, but often
not which couple it was.
I
don’t want to give the wrong impression about that. I have enjoyed going to
receptions, and visiting with people, and getting together with other people
can totally be great, but there may be easier parties to throw.
One
of the couples will be spending $5600 on their location. (From another couple,
I know that there are places that charge significantly more for weddings than
other events, though I don’t know if that applies in this case.) It is
something they really want, and that’s their call. For me, that’s more than ten
weeks of take-home pay, and it would be completely irresponsible.
I
remember once helping roll rosebuds for a wedding favor. Basically it was two
Hershey’s kisses in pink cellophane and then there was green floral tape and a
wire. I can’t remember if we had leaves or not. Now, I did inded take my rose,
and eat the two kisses after the reception, and the labor wasn’t awful because
I think it was four or five of us doing it while chatting, so it could have
been much worse. Still, I’m not sure it was the best use of resources. They did
look nice.
Pretty
much every component of a wedding is expensive. Sometimes you can mitigate the
expense with labor, and some things are both a lot of work and money. Most of
us don’t have a lot of money or time, so it is worth considering the actual
value of any one componenet.
And
yes, I did indeed go through and plan my dream wedding more than once on the
path from little girl to adult woman. In fact, I know I still have at least one
wedding dress sketch somewhere, along with a solution for how to make a veil
work with my unruly hair.
It’s
not that I don’t want things to be beautiful or memorable, but it’s a matter of
realizing that a lot of what is standard is not essential, and then letting
that liberate you to come up with something that works for you.
I
know people who have skipped the cake, the flowers, and the dress. (Not all the
same ones; those were multiple different receptions.) I have seen music come
from a 4-piece string quartet and from an iPod. I have seen environments
totally transformed, and not transformed at all. I have even seen the reception
happen the night before the wedding because that day was just going to be too
busy. I’m not saying some things didn’t work out better than others, but I’m
not sure how much any of those details matter to any of those couples now.
After
all, nervous exhaustion and bankruptcy is not the best way to start your
future.
Link
to the old post is here, but I can probably do better, and yes, my sisters and
I are generally available to help.
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