This next section: Wants

Many of the wants came directly from the Problems section; if this is a problem, I want it fixed. Some of them are also things that I would just like to have. Maybe I have had them before, and liked them, and maybe sometimes they are things that I have never had but would like to try.

Wants:

Be connected to body

I think I covered this enough yesterday.

See good in myself

This is intended as a counter to the shame, in that if there is always this feeling that there is something wrong with me, then it could be helpful to remember what is right with me. It may not work. I remember being in a really bad place once and I did write out a whole page of things that were good about me, and I'm not sure it made much difference. Still, it could help.

Travel

I love doing this so much, and I just can't afford it in this current state. I am so grateful that my sister did pay for me to go to Pennsylvania, but she can't keep doing that.

Have flying dreams

Remembering that this used to be a common thing and now it never happens, I feel - possibly mistakenly - that having that dream again would be a meaningful indicator of healing. It would mean I have gotten something back.

Be financially secure

Right now it is not just that I don't have money for fun things; I am in constant dread on how I am going to pay for necessities. That may very well be the worst thing about my life right now.

Be able to give

That being said, I am always seeing things where I want to be able to help. I have damaged myself sometimes by helping, and I am past that now, where I will really only give the money if I have it, but it's depressing not to have it.

Not have loneliness be a problem

I am not sure whether this means not being lonely because I have companionship, or reconciling myself to a certain amount of solitude, but I want to be free from the pain of it.

Know my worth

This kind of goes with the shame, but also with the loneliness. I am always worried that I annoy people, and I frequently can't share the things that I want to share with anyone who is interested. Even if that is not intended as personal rejection, it feels like it, so add that to perpetual singleness and it can feel like I am this unwanted oddball. What I want is to at least have perspective on that, especially if it's them and not me, but even if it is me.

Be able to trust

I can see really valid issues for not trusting, but I suspect that I am too untrusting. It isn't even always personal. I worry about whether enough people will bring food to a potluck, so will try and bring multiple things. A lot of my overfunctioning comes from there. I want to be better about that, even if all it means is deciding that sometimes it's not important what everyone else does.

Be okay with my appearance

Previously this would always have been losing weight, whether there was a specific number in mind or not. I would still love to be thinner, but I think it is more important to accept myself as I am. I don't think I can make any further progress until I do. The fat has always been a large factor in the shame.

Feel cherished

I am not officially saying that I want to be in a romantic relationship, but this would be something that I would have previously expected to get from that type of relationship. I don't know what those possibilities are; I just know that it's something that I want. I'm sure it is more fundamental that I value myself, but if I am honest about my desires then I want to be treasured by someone else. Maybe I have to treasure myself first. If I fully understood everything I wouldn't be writing about it.