Trusting, Part 2

I think this is actually going to take me three posts. Knowing me, doesn't that seem kind of typical? That's one of the points.

One big part of getting comfortable with trust was that it stopped being personal. People are who they are. That can and does change, but it's not really about you.

I had to unpack my own concerns about whether or not I was lovable from it. That's okay, because that was one of the other topics, so I was always going to have to take a look at that. Regardless, I had to see that there are things I do for friends that I also do for strangers, because it is the right thing, or because they need it, or because it is easy for me to do and I am an obliging kind of person.

That is also true of various friends. They might come through in a pinch for me, but they would also do it for someone else. They come through because they are good people. It contributes to my liking them, though it is not the only factor.

Back when I was thinking about people I could rely on, and writing about People Pleasers and Attention Seekers, there was one friend I thought about. She read The 9 Types of Lovers and she was devastated to see herself as an attention seeker. She was an attention seeker, but I also enjoyed spending time with her. She knew a lot about music and her knowledge base was different from mine, so I always learned things talking to her. I knew when we went out that we would focus on her, and I was okay with it.

As I was thinking about boundaries, a quote from Maya Angelou kept coming to mind:

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

People are always telling you who they are. That can be a long conversation, because there are nuances, but again, that is about them, not you.

Part of my problem was that I would see that some people do get treated better for being beautiful and loved, but there's not a solid foundation to that. An impatient person may temporarily have more patience for a new girlfriend, but as they get into a routine, and comfortable with each other, he is probably going to revert to being impatient.

That's not horrible; affection for one person can even set you on the path to being a better person, though it will take time and some additional understanding where you begin to see the value beyond that person.

There is a great deal of beauty in being able to let people be fully themselves and not take it personally. You can appreciate their good points without resenting their bad points. Ideally, you will be able to view yourself that way too. Some things need to be looked at differently.

I was at a low point some time ago around my birthday. I ended up having a good dinner with some appreciated friends, but before getting there I was deeply hurt by a few declines and one invitation that was ignored. That was a time when I wished I was special enough to warrant the extra effort.

In retrospect, I did not let them know how important it was to me. If I had been thinking in those terms, I'm not even sure I would have decided it was important enough to ask them to cancel on their families for their other plans, but they had no way of knowing I was even thinking in those terms. And it would not have felt good to say, "Hey, I'm a wreck and feeling like a failure and I just need to believe I matter," but they were people I could trust with that information, and then if they still couldn't cancel they would have found some other way to be there for me.

I believe I can wrap all of this up tomorrow. Three posts isn't bad if you consider how many years getting here took.